Halting to a dead stop, I glance over my shoulder and look at my gifts from You, One Lord Jesus, Grace, Savior, Redeemer, JOY……
My one love John, always and forever smiles at me, as Gabriel our puffy white little dog…messenger from God, cocks his head….sleepily been disposed from the folds on my lap.
Heart busting with JOY, I say to one love, “I am filled with so much JOY and Grace and Peace!
I can’t believe how deeply I have given my heart to both of “my boys”…completely…I am vulnerable…..trusting, where there was never trust in my heart.
The very next morning, my life , once again turned upside down…..bringing sorrow and pain , replacing the JOY and the Trust, the Grace and the Peace……….
Gabriel was hurt….badly…paralyzed by chasing a ball… on my watch……….
Spinal surgery completed…tears spilled all over the car….questions and anger and hurt and feelings of betrayal once again…so familiar…..
Why, my One Lord Jesus, Grace, Savior, Redeemer, JOY…..?????????
I opened my hands…..I opened my heart and this tiny, vulnerable little animal was so badly injured….while I was caring for him…..just like me???? Just like my Mom that I could not save?
Simultaneously, I was also hurt…walking now, near impossible……..struggling to help my precious little one…
Lent is coming, and as I write…..it has arrived….and what do I give up???????
I greet this question almost with anger….give up…what….goldfish crackers…sugar in my tea at night….?
How does this bring me closer to You, my One Love, Jesus, Grace, Savior, Redeemer, JOY?
I sob at the kitchen table….how do I love you Lord….I am hurt, angry, confused, scared, not good enough, strong enough…deserving enough…?????????
Looking down at my computer, I read a quote from a favorite author….Jean Pierre de Caussade.
The Sacrament of the Present Moment
Souls who can recognize God in the most trivial, the most grievous and the most mortifying things that happen to them in their lives, honor everything equally with delight and rejoicing, and welcome with open arms what others dread and avoid.
“Honor everything equally…………..”
Gift….all is Gift….and Grace and Hope and Faith and Love…..above all ,love………my One Love Jesus, Grace, Savior, Redeemer, JOY…whispers to me at the kitchen table…, in the ordinary…..
Don’t give up…..give in…..my One Lord Jesus, Grace, Savior, Redeemer, JOY speaks to my heart……
Give in to my love….receive my love…know that ALL is GIFT; freely given…..You are my child…
“For you did not receive a spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you received a spirit of adoption, through which we cry,
Abba, Father!”(Romans 8:v15) I breathe in Jesus….see Him hanging naked on the cross, battered, betrayed, lance pierced and shamed…..for me….for us!
With your Grace and Gift and Sacrifice of Your Son Jesus, my One Love, Savior, Grace, Redeemer and JOY
I say YES!
I open my hands, my heart, my entire being to You, Abba Father….I am Your beloved and You are mine….
All is Gift and I am truly blessed!
With trembling hands, I open them to You Father as a symbol of Trust…..
Into Your hands, I commend my life…which is not my own, but yours…freely returned to You.
With Your Grace, no matter what happens, I receive Your love for me this Lent…and I bend low at the foot of the Holy Cross of my One Love, Jesus, Grace, Redeemer, JOY……
Spilling out all of the pain, and sorrow and FEAR.
Giving up this Lent….no, I am giving in……..right in- to the Heart of my Abba Father….
And , All is Gift…and,
Everything is Grace,
the wee one